Should Have Been Me

by Titta (rated G)

This story refers to and uses a few lines of dialogue from the first season episode ‘Russian Roulette’ – it might not make much sense unless you’ve seen it. Mutant X is copyright Tribune Entertainment. No copyright infringement intended, no profit made.

Photo originally from galleryofcelebrities.

I’m standing in the corner of medical, watching Brennan lie prone in the exam chair. Under normal circumstances, the sight of his near naked body would tinge my thoughts with something dangerously close to lust – yeah, it’s pretty obvious I’m not getting any lately, isn’t it? – but now everything inside my head is shaded by fear and regret. Fear that I might lose him before I really know him, and regret for all the things I should have done differently.

Ever since I looked in the rear mirror of the car for the hundredth time and came to the conclusion that the Russians weren’t following us, I’ve been going over the events that led us here again and again in my mind. Although everything I did seemed to make sense at the time, the truth is it should be me lying there, not Brennan. Or maybe it could be neither of us – if I’d only done what I should have!

When Tina hesitated to accept our help because of the stories she’d heard about the underground, I was so frustrated I wanted to bang my head against something solid. As if helping fellow new mutants wasn’t difficult enough without the stupid rumors! I wondered how we could convince Tina to trust us before whoever it was chasing her caught up with us all. Luckily, Brennan knew exactly what to say. I couldn’t help admiring the way he got through to Tina despite her fears and got her to agree to come with us, even though it was no doubt largely thanks to his charm and good looks rather than his rhetoric.

I was driving, and I had the car keys, so I didn’t mind Brennan’s unspoken instruction for me to walk Tina to the car while he stayed a little behind to watch our backs. We were ten or fifteen paces ahead of Brennan when I heard the van doors bang open. Turning around, I was already convinced the sound could only mean trouble, and the sight of the couple dressed in black leather confirmed my thoughts.

In hindsight, it’s clear that I should have taken charge and told Brennan to escort Tina to the car, but at the time all I could think of was getting Tina to safety. Although I tried to keep an eye on what was happening behind us as we ran toward the car, I wasn’t really concerned about Brennan’s safety – I thought he could take care of our adversaries with a little blast of electricity. Besides, Brennan had assumed command so naturally I never even thought about questioning his orders. I’m an idiot!

Brennan might be older and generally speaking more experienced than I am, but he only joined Mutant X recently. I’m much more used to taking on people who know we might have some special capabilities than Brennan is. As the senior member of the team, I should have dealt with the Russians myself. Granted, I didn’t have a weapon handy, but at least I’d have had a better chance of dodging the particle beam. If I’d gone intangible, the beam might have passed right through me without harm. Or perhaps if I’d gone brick wall, it would have just bounced off of me.

And even if the beam would have hit me and neutralized my mutation, at least it would be me lying here in medical, not Brennan. As it was, Brennan got hit by a blast from the Pushka and nearly got captured as well.

Luckily, we got to him in the nick of time to at least prevent that. My concern for Tina forgotten, I was basically yelling orders at her as I swung the car between Brennan and the Russians. He was just crouching on the ground, and I thought he must have been badly hurt. I couldn’t see an obvious injury, but the confusion and fear in his voice as he groaned “I lost my power…” hit me pretty hard anyway. However, at that moment I needed to concentrate on getting us all out of there before the Russians had a chance to attack again, and I pushed everything else to the back of my mind.

On the way to the nearest safe house, Brennan gave us a brief description of what had happened while we were getting the car. Although he didn’t say much else, I could tell he was in pain. When he didn’t seem any better by the time we reached our destination, I started to really get worried. As soon as we had made sure Tina wouldn’t bolt the moment we left, I contacted Adam and asked him to send the Double Helix to pick us up and take us to Sanctuary right away.

I keep my distance from the med chair because, right now, I’m not sure I could reign in my desire to touch Brennan if I were closer, and I won’t let myself disturb the container field that’s keeping him alive. He looks so peaceful – there’s no trace of pain on his relaxed face. Unfortunately, I know that it’s not real; that if he were to wake up from the trance Emma put him into, he’d be in agony. Just like he was when I visited him before.

When I learned that the blast from the mystery weapon had neutralized Brennan’s power, I was somewhat relieved because I assumed the damage was temporary. Sure, Brennan’s in agony now, but once the effect wears off he’ll be as good as new. That was my reasoning. However, Adam hadn’t actually said anything about it, which is why I had to ask, although trying to keep my tone of voice nonchalant was difficult. Instead of answering my question, Adam mentioned that the weapon had more than neutralized Brennan’s power. Not the reassuring answer I was looking for! After that, Adam became downright evasive – and I know him well enough to be able to tell when he’s trying to avoid sharing bad news.

Adam knows me even better than I know him, and I guess he’s pretty good at reading me, too. He can usually find just the right thing to say to make me feel better, but this time his supportive words didn’t really do anything to diminish my guilt. It was so like Adam to claim Brennan’s condition was his fault, not mine, when he wasn’t even there when things went sour! Even I don’t expect him to be able to foresee the future – or keep track of an obscure Russian weapon that nobody thought worked in the first place. The only person who could have done something to prevent what happened was me, and I failed Brennan.

When our discussion turned back to the incident itself, I was once again totally amazed by both Adam’s memory and his databases. It took him all of five seconds to figure out what the weapon was when I told him the baddies were Russian, and not much longer to show me the hologram of it. The news that the Pushka could also be used to reverse the neutralization process was a great relief to me. I figured it wouldn’t take us too long to track down the Russians and grab the gun from them.

Shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Of course there has to be a failsafe! We need to get not only the Pushka but the correct triggering sequence as well. How hard can that be?! Then again, it doesn’t really matter because there’s no way on earth I’m going to fail Brennan a second time.

Our discussion had made me realize that the situation was serious, but when Adam finally told me outright that Brennan would die if we didn’t get our hands on that gun, I was shocked. It was my worst fear come true. I couldn’t think straight – all I knew was I had to see Brennan right away, and I didn’t give a damn anymore what Adam or anyone else might make of that. We were done anyway, so I left Adam and headed for medical.

When I got there, Emma was sitting at the computer, staring rather morosely at the screen in front of her. She seemed relieved to see me, although she tried not to let it show. I guess we’re all trying to act normal in the hope that our pretense will somehow stop things from turning out as bad as we fear they will.

I told Emma to take a break and get something to eat. I said she didn’t need to hurry back, that I would stay with Brennan for as long as needed. I don’t think she read anything special into that. She’s still very young, and she doesn’t yet know me as well as Shalimar and Adam do.

Walking from the computer bank to the med chair, I suddenly felt flustered. I yearned to touch Brennan, but didn’t think I could do it in any way that could be interpreted as casual. I was painfully aware that we weren’t good enough friends for physical reassurance. Didn’t know what to say to him, either. Finally went with, “How are you feeling?”. I realized how inane my words were as soon as they left my lips.

Brennan didn’t call me on it, though. Instead, he insisted he’d be okay in a while.

Suddenly, I wondered if Adam had told Brennan yet just how serious the situation was. If Adam hadn’t, I sure as hell wasn’t going to, either. The apparent need to tiptoe my way through the coming conversation made me tense even more, but despite that, there was nowhere else on earth I could have been, right at that moment.

I soon found out that Brennan was in too much pain to be chatty. Speaking seemed to really tax him, so after a few minutes, I told him to disregard my presence and just rest. Brennan immediately closed his eyes without argument, and that was another shock. I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that I should be glad – it gave me the opportunity to examine him without having to worry about being caught staring.

There was sweat glistening all over Brennan’s skin, even though the temperature in the med lab felt cool to me. Other than that, his body looked as good to me as it always does. He did seem paler than usual, though, and I noticed faint tension lines I’d never seen before on his face. They were a silent testimony of the agony he must have been experiencing.

Seeing him lying there, obviously suffering, made me feel totally useless. I’d failed to help and protect Brennan in the field, and there wasn’t much I could do for him in medical, either. Finally, I asked him if he’d like me to get a towel and wipe his face, but he told me to let it be. I got the impression he didn’t like the idea of anyone touching him, perhaps because he thought it would only increase the pain. That made me hate myself even more, because I still longed to touch him.

Instead, I told Brennan to call for me if he needed anything and walked back to the computer bank. As I stared at the screen displaying Brennan’s vital signs, I sent a silent prayer to whatever deity would listen to me. I asked for just one thing – a chance to make it right.

I know Daniel’s betrayal hit Adam hard, but it’s turned out to be a blessing in disguise. His agreement to meet with the Russians means we won’t have to look for them after all. That will save us some precious time. Also, we’re all hoping that impersonating Daniel will give me a perfect opportunity to find out how the damn weapon works and get my hands on it, too. If the Russians trust me enough, I might just be able to walk out of their lair with the weapon as soon as their backs are turned. Okay, that’s wishful thinking, but aren’t we due a break or two by now?

If things go really badly, the Russians will probably hand me over to GSA agents, but I don’t think that’s a likely scenario. Adam doesn’t think so, either, or he wouldn’t let me do this. Besides, it’s a risk I’m more than willing to take.

The sound of Adam’s voice drags me back to the here and now.

I’m smiling in spite of myself when Adam tells me to take no risks. It’s all very simple to me: I won’t let Brennan die, so I’m not coming back without the Pushka. I don’t care what it takes – I’ll get the gun and the codes.

Brennan will be all right. Even if it’s the last thing I do.